No Holds Barred Interview: SSW

When I first walk into the training facility set up for our resident "capes" by Stranger Industries, I feel like I am walking into a commercial passenger aircraft. Behind the walls and ceiling is a six foot gap filled with a fluid-like substance that absorbs the enormous shock of dropping a several ton barbell to the floor (the substance I was told is classified) and giant titanium "springs". Olga Yezhov greets me at the entrance, smiling. She is easily 6'3" and huge, more ripped than I was used to seeing her. As we talk, the lovely Russian superhero works out (interestingly she was listening to "Boom, Boom, Pow" by the Black Eyed Peas as I entered), using weights also provided by Stranger that are of a hyper-compressed, incredibly dense alloy (the specifics of which I was also told are classified). She began her "warm-up" by benching 30 tons and added more weight to it with each set (12 lifts), of which she completed six total. By the end she was polishing off 75 tons. There was barely a ripple in my coffee as I watched and spoke with the Soviet amazon.


John Barnum: So Olga, first of all thank you for granting me this interview. I must say that your English is rather good, though thickly accented.

Soviet-Superwoman: Thank you John. I learned English during the war from British and American forces, while we were still allies and then some after the war as well when I helped them during the invasions.

JB: About that, you look surprisingly fit for an 87 year old woman if your birth-date of 1923 is correct. In fact I would say that you were actually larger, more muscular than when I met you last year.

SSW: It is correct, but as I am from a...how would you say...a parallel Earth, when I was ripped from there the year was only 1954.

JB: But it was 2008 here?

SSW: Correct, I have spent 2 years here in Angel Falls, in your time.

JB: That must have been quite a culture shock? How have you been catching up?

SSW: I think I have caught up fairly well, but I do not know how to download to my aPod. Your credit-card machine also, there is never the same one in each store. They are all different.

JB: Do you have a favorite television show?

SSW: Nyet. Usually I watch only the news and perhaps History Channel. One time I was forced to watch program where people who cannot sing try to sing and are cruelly judged.

JB: Well do you have a favorite movie then?

SSW: One time I was invited to American premiere of Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein. It was very funny and I laughed until I cried.

JB: By the look of it, I would say you have been stepping up your workout routine.

SSW: Yes. Since arriving I have realized that, unlike in my home, there are many, many cowards-extremely powerful criminals- that prey on the good peoples. Several times they have ambushed me lately and I have been defeated in hand-to-hand at least twice with the psychopath Ultrawoman. I must meet their threat head on and for that I must become more powerful and that means stronger. I take it from the way you just shift in seat, that you approve of my new pounds?

JB: Well all I'll say is that Fantastic Lin was one of the reasons I took the Angel-Falls assignment. Do you minding tell us how much muscle you have put on these last few months?

SSW: Not at all, I have gone from 102kg...I mean 225 pounds to about 240-245 pounds.

JB: Well it went to all the right places. What is your maximum lift Olga?

SSW: I am glad that you like my new body, though it will take me some getting used to. The most I have lifted was a German battleship during the war...and that took some effort.

JB: Does having that incredible level of strength make everyday activities difficult, like say opening a car door without ripping it off?"

SSW: I was trained extensively by the Soviet government when I came into my powers. It took about a year to manage it and I think I do quite well. The only things that stop me up a little are small, delicate electronic devices like cell-phones and Blueberry planner.

JB: How often do you workout?

SSW: I am in the gym for at minimum of an hour each morning, plus a fifteen minute stretching exercise before I begin. Pending a crisis of course.

JB: Of course. Now looking over my notes it says that in your time the Soviet Union not only won World War II, but also conquered all of Europe in turn taking Hitler's empire for themselves. Was it as brutal and ruthless a regime as it was here?

SSW: It was not to me.

JB: So there were no gulags or mass-murders under Stalin there that you were aware of? You didn't cart criminals off to die for him?

SSW: Often I have wondered this John, but in truth I do not know if I was an unknowing accomplice to Comrade Stalin's madness or if my thoughts have been tainted by the obvious monster he was in your world. He was like a father to me and I did what I could for the peoples of the Soviet Union. I never saw a gulag or witnessed any mass-executions. In my time it was the USA that tried to drop a nuclear bomb on Moscow. The Stalin I want to remember was a kind and just man.

JB: What about your real father, or the rest of your family?

SSW: Sadly my parents passed away just as the Patriotic War began in 1941, from a flu outbreak.

JB: I'm very sorry.

SSW: Thank you John.

JB: This may be a bit unpleasant, but I have to ask it. Recently you tried to, some would say violently strong-arm, your way into the new Russian government. You even engaged their military forces, crippling one of their battleships and injuring a great many crewmen. What was it you were attempting to accomplish if not control of the nation?:

SSW: I thought that the peoples of Russia needed a strong leader and a strong government again, free of corruption and inaction. It saddens me to see my country in the state that it is in today John. I wanted to show them that there was a better way for them, so they could stand on their own feet and be great again. Unfortunately, I was manipulated by a powerful outside source and I almost made a terrible and costly mistake. I hope to one to day win the trust of my countrymen, who I love so very much.

JB: By "outside source" you mean by the alleged-supervillain Ultraviolet. The rumor is that she employed some sort of "mind-control" ability against you. Can you confirm this?

SSW: Yes, but I do not know the extent of her powers.

JB: Do you ever think about taking off the Soviet colors here? Perhaps making your own symbol or use the current colors of Russia? A great many of our citizens have expressed their dislike for the Soviet government and feel uncomfortable with an overly Communist defender.

SSW: I can only say that it is who I am. I am proud to be a Soviet and I am sorry if that offends anyone. I take great pride in my nation, my colors and my peoples. To take it off, would dishonor their memories and great sacrifices.

JB: But you can understand where they are coming from? For a great many Americans, the fact that you are a symbol of what some still call "the evil empire", an obvious proponent of Socialist and Communist values in a super-powered package frightens them. Plus this situation in your own country recently adds to their fears.

SSW: I would think that the peoples here should be more afraid of psychotic criminals like Ultrawoman and Dark Star than they should of someone like myself, who is trying to keep them safe. I am a Communist, it is true, but I do not hold the fact that they are Capitalist against them. All I want is to help the people and show to them that not all of us are part of "evil empire".

JB: What would you say is the biggest problem facing your homeland today Olga?

SSW: 20% of the people of Russia live below the poverty line there John. That is 31 million of my countrymen not knowing where their next meal is coming from. A serious struggle against this is not possible until health care and the education system are both reformed. It is becoming increasingly clear to me that capitalist "reforms" will not improve things there.

JB: Let's move on to something else that some people are not comfortable with. Your sexuality. Are you a lesbian?

SSW: I prefer both men and women John. Does that bother you?

JB: It doesn't bother me at all, but it does seem to not sit well with some of our readers.

SSW: Again, I cannot help who I am and I will not conform to the sometimes strange "American" way of life in this world. It would not bother them I suppose if their car was plummeting off a bridge and was caught by a...let me see..."pinko, commie dyke" who saved them,, and their childrens lives, asking nothing in return.

JB: I suppose not. You and our own Walkiria do seem to be quite the tabloid item these days.

SSW: What my Возлюбленная and I share is very special. I love her very much.

JB: I am very happy for you both.

SSW: Thank you.

JB: Have you been on good terms with any of our other super-powered protectors?

SSW: Actually I have not met with many of them. I do not know if it is because of my political beliefs or because this city seems to keep us all so busy. I am good friends with Fantastic Lin and Mindy Marvel, and I have had the privilege of meeting Aegis and Prodigal, who is a fellow Russian. There are so many it is hard to keep track at times. I am un-used to this John.

JB: Anyone you would like to meet at some point in your career?

SSW: *She thought for a moment before answering here* Yes, I believe I would like to meet FireBrandi...and the one called Soul Train of course, she is beautiful. There are many I would love to speak with and shake the hand of.

JB: You have always maintained a public identity Olga, but a great number of our costumed defenders do not. Do you believe that the superhero community should register itself and make their identities public like certain members of the House and Senate have been lobbying for?

SSW: I do John. We are not vigilantes like the La Femme Punisher. We should work with the government and law enforcement for the betterment of the people. People are already not comfortable with me at times. Imagine how they would feel if I wore a mask, as an unknown. To earn the trust of the peoples, you must first let them trust you. I have worked very hard in this regard, though it has been a long and difficult road, and I would hope that my friends and allies would want to do the same.

JB: Have you had an opportunity to meet with Comrade Hero yet?

SSW: Nyet I have not had the privilege to speak with what I can only assume is my male counterpart here.

JB: What's it like to fly through the skies, like a bird or a plane?

SSW: It is the most wonderful, special feeling I have ever known. I remember the first time...it is difficult to describe, especially in English....*at this point she took several minutes to think of the right words* It is like being in joy, if joy was something you could lose yourself in.

JB: Though you are invulnerable to everything from tank shells to missiles, can you still feel pain? Have you lost any tactile sensation?

SSW: Though it is difficult to accomplish, I can still feel pain and be hurt, yes. My sense of touch has been affected by this of course, although fortunately for me, I still feel certain sensations like an ordinary woman.

JB: Hasbro says in its recent court case, that it has the right to make and sell action figures with Supers liknesses because like politicians those that have "put on the cape." have entered the public arena and they can use your image for profit without issuing royalties to you, your thoughts?

SSW: I have none. I do not "put on the cape" to sell toys to children. If children wish to have toys of me, I would hope that the toymakers would provide them at a modest price or give them away as part of a promotion.

JB: Have you thought about doing any advertising?

SSW: Nyet. I will not shill for American cinnamon gum company that keeps asking me.

JB: Well I certainly want to thank you for your time Ms. Yezhov. It has been a pleasure.

SSW: Likewise Mr. Barnum, thank you for letting me explain a bit about myself to your readers. Would you like to help me rack these before you leave?

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This was a fantastic collaboration with the incredibly friendly, warm and talented artist . He and I worked together on this like Fred and Ginger...and yes we both had the same idea to have our Oc's interviewed at the same time. Great minds and all that. I am eternally grateful to have this and I look forward to all the wonderful things he has planned in the future for us.

Soviet Superwoman and the story are both mine.

An production.